Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Battle

My Bishop is working with me on ditching my porn addiction. Its gonna be a long battle, I can assure you.

First step is to get me some regular interaction with someone who knows about my problems and will agree to check on me daily. Someone I can call in a dark moment. So the Bish called a cool guy in the Ward to be my home teacher. We told him all about my homosexuality, childhood molestation, pornography addiction - the whole nine yards. This guy is pretty great and really seems to care about me. Plus he's on the High Council, so he knows how to keep his mouth shut. Nice to have someone on the team.

Next we'll start going through the 12 Step manual. I've started it several times but never finished. Hopefully this time I'll get through the whole program. Its not an easy thing. Truly, this is just as serious as a drug addiction. In fact, it IS my drug! The only difference is I don't swallow it or inject it - I drink it in with my eyes and ears. But the effects are the same, and the addiction just as strong. I've been addicted since I was about 8 years old, so I have 40+ years of acting out to deal with. The habit is so ingrained its almost a part of me. I'm a little scared, to be quite honest. Scared I won't be able to get through all this. Scared of failure. There's nowhere to hide...

4 comments:

Troy said...

aw Neal. I wish the best for you! I believe you can do it!

Neal said...

Thanks Troy! I need the support.

By the way, I was just in Seattle a few weeks ago. Loved it!!

Bravone said...

Neal, I don't think I know you, but I know well the drug of which you speak. I am "lucky" enough to have other drugs to utilize as well, such as alcohol. I have gone years without either drug, only to return in moments of weakness and despair.

I don't think I will ever be "recovered," and that is probably a good thing. It keeps me humble and ever turning to my Father for help.

Neal said...

Bravone,

You speak the truth. "Recovery" is perhaps a word used too often in referring to this issue.

I attended a Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) meeting, and a guy there who had been sober for 20 years spoke up. He said this is not something you overcome, its a disease you learn to manage on a daily basis, like diabetes. I agree with him, although in the larger context of the Gospel there are a few that are truly healed. Miracles do happen. I pray for a miracle and plan for a rough ride...