Tuesday, October 19, 2010
First step is to get me some regular interaction with someone who knows about my problems and will agree to check on me daily. Someone I can call in a dark moment. So the Bish called a cool guy in the Ward to be my home teacher. We told him all about my homosexuality, childhood molestation, pornography addiction - the whole nine yards. This guy is pretty great and really seems to care about me. Plus he's on the High Council, so he knows how to keep his mouth shut. Nice to have someone on the team.
Next we'll start going through the 12 Step manual. I've started it several times but never finished. Hopefully this time I'll get through the whole program. Its not an easy thing. Truly, this is just as serious as a drug addiction. In fact, it IS my drug! The only difference is I don't swallow it or inject it - I drink it in with my eyes and ears. But the effects are the same, and the addiction just as strong. I've been addicted since I was about 8 years old, so I have 40+ years of acting out to deal with. The habit is so ingrained its almost a part of me. I'm a little scared, to be quite honest. Scared I won't be able to get through all this. Scared of failure. There's nowhere to hide...